What better time to finally come out with this blog post then NOW with all the chaos, uncertainty, HIGH anxiety, messiness, and WTF moments. I mean honestly who could have foreseen this happening as we rung in the new year. 2020 truly threw us a curveball. My life was already in a chaotic state y’all. My husband and I had decided after we drove to Sarasota, Florida from Texas to drop him off for spring training that I would fly back home to Austin, pack my bags, load up the dogs in my car, and drive all the way back to Sarasota to be with him after we had first decided that I was NOT traveling with him this baseball season. I was there for two weeks, COVID-19 went from 0-100, and the news came that baseball season was on hold and all players are to go back home until further notice. I was angry, anxious, upset, stressed, and turned to my husband and said, “WE DID NOT PLAN FOR THIS.” I had made that 18 hour drive twice and now we were having to pack our bags, load up the dogs AGAIN and drive back home to Texas. We didn’t plan to still be sitting in Austin with no baseball season, we didn’t plan for no money to be coming in, we didn’t plan for any of this.
I have learned that in these moments of uncertainty, disappointments and upsets, we grow. It may not happen immediately and you may be stuck in that “OH NO I DIDN’T plan for this” moment for a while but eventually seasons change and you grow from what broke you.
When I sit back and look at my life now, I laugh and wonder “how?” This was not my 10 year life plan? I did not envision any of this? It was last year that I was so hurt and felt so lost because I pondered how did I end up so far off the path I created in my head when I was 18.
My 10 year plan included: Getting my bachelors degree in healthcare administration, going to get my masters in healthcare administration, working in a children’s cancer hospital, marrying someone from college, having my first kid at the age of 25-26, living in Houston, and work towards being the President of a hospital or charity.
I had it all planned out.
No where did I plan to find Rob in my life again, I didn’t plan to be dating now married to a professional athlete, I didn’t plan on NOT USING my degree, not working, living off my boyfriend now husband, moving to Arizona, going through severe depression, following around my husband 7 months out of the year wherever baseball takes us. I planned perfectly for pregnancy, waited, got married, waited, then we were ready and it hasn’t happened for us, yet. I didn’t plan on rebuilding myself from nothing.
My friend, the beautiful ugly truth is that LIFE does not turn out the way you plan it and that is OK. You can plan, plan, plan, and at the end of the day it will not always turn out the way you planned it.
It’s ok because if you take a moment to look at your life and the people in it would it have turned out the way it is now had your plan gone through, would you have missed out on the beautiful messy moments that made you into who you are now.
You will always wonder “what if” but that is a burden you do not need to be carrying sis. Your life turned out the way it did because God had a bigger plan for you. What you had planned is far less than what God wants to give to you.
I am thankful I married Rob. I get to experience a once in a lifetime dream right alongside him. I have a supportive, caring husband who looks after me when I cannot look after myself. I get to live in different states, make new life long friends, I get to support his dream and watch them come true. I am thankful for my depression because I am stronger now than what I was before. I found my way back to God. My depression has transitioned my passion for helping sick children to wanting to start my own charity for young adults suffering with mental illnesses.
There are days I feel lost, broken, worthless, useless because I think I do not do enough for my marriage and I feel dependent when I used to be so independent. THAT IS ALL A LIE. I am supportive, kind, selfless, loving, worthy, healing, growing…all things I never used to be unless I chose to be.
I believe that I was thrown into this baseball lifestyle because it teaches me that life is never how you plan it…you plan for your in-season living two weeks before season starts with your team of 6 years and the next day your husband signs with a new team and you have to start all over and figure it out. Knowing that at the end of the day it will be OK. Maybe it’s not ok at that moment but it will. It will pass.
Life is what you make it, not what you planned it to be. The things I thought would fulfill me and make my life grand when I was 18 were below average on a scale that was far bigger than I could have ever imagined.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable because that is where you nourish your mind, body, and soul and grow the most.
Xo Natalie Z
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