16 months of disappointments, heart breaks, uncertainty, bitterness, and anger. That is not how it all started out though. The first 6 months were full of excitement and eagerness as Rob and I began the next chapter of our life at starting a little family of our own. Then month after month it was negative test after negative test and another period after the dreaded two long period wait after ovulation.
I am angry. Angry because as a 25 year old woman who waited and planned perfectly for pregnancy it has not happened quiet as easily as society has made it seem since the first sex talk we all have in our younger teen years. It was ALWAYS “DON’T have sex or you will get pregnant and ruin in your life.” It all feels like one big freakin’ lie.
I remember the first time Rob and I had sex with the intention of getting pregnant back in April of 2019 and I felt so freaking anxious, and weird because we just did the deed that would get me pregnant, kind of like an oh shit moment “we just had sex with no condom, no birth control, or the trusty pull out method.” Then the months went on and it started to feel like a failed job. This morning I told Rob I wish I was more properly educated on the way the body of woman works because I had no idea what a ovulation window was, a luteal phase, or how every little thing that goes on down their can affect how you get pregnant. Society should teach younger woman better, society should inform us that 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility and 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages.
I look back at our journey of trying to conceive our first baby and it has taught me a lot. When it all began I was looking for a bigger purpose in life. I felt as if I had failed myself somewhere along in my life and I offered nothing to my marriage, so in my mind I thought becoming a mother would fill my void. I thought I could somehow be a better wife if I could show my husband how good of a mother I was going to be. Depression and anxiety played a major role in this thought process.
The last 4 months I have had time to reflect. Time to process. Time to heal. Time to let go of all the bitterness that was in my heart. A year ago I was not ready motherhood and God knew that. God knew that a child would not fill the emptiness and low self-esteem I had for myself. I needed more time to heal from past wounds and I needed to work on myself to have a stronger foundation for when Baby Z does decide to bless us.
So here are 10 things infertility teaches you:
- That you are a lot stronger than you think you are.
- You are not alone. Even though your mind will convince you otherwise.
- The wait will be so worth it. In the meantime focus on yourself and your relationship with your significant other.
- There are lessons to be learned during the this season of life.
- You never know someone’s journey or story with trying to conceive so do not judge and try your hardest to not be bitter.
- Infertility does not determine your worth or capabilities.
- That God has not and will not forget you. He knows your every desire.
- Patience. You have no control and much as you plan and plan, it doesn’t always happen the way you want it to happen.
- Gratitude. I have found more appreciation in the little things and I am thankful for the everyday life I am living.
- You can and will survive this sister. Some days will be easier than others and some will be harder but you will come out of this tribulation.
I am thankful for the time I have had even though 6 months ago I would have not said the same because I was so unsure of how and when pregnancy would happen for us. During this time I have found beauty in darkness, friendship in places I would have never imagined, and a stronger marriage. Life is wild and full of shitty moments but it’s what we learn in those hard times that will continue to show me and all future mothers how magical life is.
Our struggles with infertility do not define me or you sis. Continue to hold on to hope and know in your heart that there is a baby out there waiting for you. My dad always says our baby is up in heaven looking down at Rob and I and I hold on to those words and look up to the sky, and continue to pray for him or her.