It was all over before it ever really began for us. My first positive pregnancy test came on July 18th after 15 months of trying to conceive. A week after my missed period. I was in denial and trying to ignore the fact that I could be pregnant when I became 3-5 days late because just the month before I was 3 days late and my period finally decided to make her appearance. So of course as the days late started to build I was getting anxious, excited, but I was putting off taking a pregnancy test. I did not want to feel let down if the test came back negative. So finally on the morning of July 18th, a week after my missed period, I took a test and sure enough I got the FAINTEST positive test. I sent pictures to Rob to see if my mind was playing tricks on me and he said he could also see the positive line too. I kept looking at the test for hours and would keep it near me because I didn’t want it to somehow become negative. I started googling if that was normal and articles stated that your hormone levels rise every 72 hours so to retest.
I decided to call an OBGYN here in Baltimore to skip to the bloodwork and get a confirmed yes or no. Luckily they were able to get me in that following Monday on July 20th. The doctor met with me and said I would receive my results the following day. That whole day I prayed and prayed that I would get a call saying, “CONGRATS, you are pregnant.” July 21st we woke up had our coffee and breakfast and I received a call from the doctor and she said, “I am sorry, you have low levels of HcG (the pregnancy hormone) which would explain the faint positive pregnancy test and all signs are pointing towards a chemical pregnancy. An early loss.” I got so choked up, my eyes filled with tears, and I had a hard time asking questions to get a better understanding. I simply asked what was a chemical pregnancy and what can I do next or expect to happen next. She said my period should come in the next two weeks and other than that there is nothing else I can do.
Chemical pregnancies are such early losses around week 4 or 5, basically the egg becomes fertilized but the implantation itself is never fully completed. I got off the phone and felt like I failed. That my body had failed me, yet again. I cried and let out all the pain that comes with the struggles of infertility. I didn’t even know chemical pregnancies were a thing. I started this cycle of thinking back to the days before to see if I could have prevented this somehow. I had spotted for a few days and cramped but to me I thought this was all early signs of pregnancy. I questioned if this was the first sign of our early loss. Rob had to leave to the field soon after we found out the news and here I was in Baltimore during a pandemic feeling so fucking alone and lost. I felt that I had failed my husband and had no answers for him as to how chemical pregnancies occur.
I didn’t know if I should feel sad. Did I have the right to feel sad? It was all so quick. For two days I got the happiness of knowing I was pregnant then it was all ripped from us. I don’t know how to explain it but it sucked. Then I had the two week wait of waiting for this all to pass and those were the two hardest weeks I have had to go through. I wanted this to all be over and I HAD TO WAIT. Be reminded every single day until my period came. Finally on day 50 of my cycle my period came and it was the worst one by far. The heavy bleeding and clots were rough. I felt so empty on the inside and I cried again for those days I was on my period, I was in so much pain and felt so embarrassed around Rob. Like how could he love me after this happened? We have been waiting for so long to become pregnant and then this happened.
Rob has been such comfort during the mourning phase and for that I am grateful for because through my depression and now through all this he has always been in my corner and loves me even more. I thought for a time what could have been for us. I wondered what this meant for us next. To be honest, we have been taking this day by day and I allowed myself to feel all the feelings and I am holding on to the silver lining that I was able to become pregnant. I am holding on to the fact that I will become a mother someday. For now we have taken a step back to focus on other things in our life and will try for Baby Z when we get back to Texas because this one took a lot out of me and the pressure to conceive was real and taking a toll on my mental health as the next ovulation window crept around the corner once my period came after the chemical pregnancy. So we will try again when we are home and can see our fertility doctors again.
I have cried so much and accepted what happened. Miscarriages are not talked about often and chemical pregnancies make up 50-75% of miscarriages and I pray for those who have experienced this or are secretly going through this alone. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I hope sharing our trying to conceive journey helps those walking the path of infertility. My biggest advice if you go through something like this (and I hope you never do) is to truly understand that it is not your fault. You are not any less of woman and allow yourself to feel and heal. Take the time you need to jump back on the wagon of trying to conceive and understand that even if it was for a few days, you were a momma.
Xo Natalie Z