It wasn’t really my life, though. Everyday for two years I dealt with paralyzing depression. Not the “Oh you are just sad” type of shit, but the type of depression that leaves you completely lost and uncertain why you even exist. 2017 it all changed for me. I cannot tell you what triggered my depression but I can tell you it was a series of events that fell like a stack of dominos and before I knew it I had lost complete control of my life and happiness.
In front of friends and family I was putting on mask to put on this fauced that life in Arizona was great, that my relationship with Rob was thriving, and my job was everything I could have hoped for post college. What they didn’t see was me screaming out loud my internal pain I was suffering with. They didn’t see me hitting my head with a closed fist hoping that it would somehow shut the depression off. The hundreds of times I would lock myself in a bathroom and the fear Rob felt because he couldn’t do anything to help me. He never knew if one of the times that I was locked on the other side of the door, would be the last time and I would finally put an end to my life. No one knew this but I kept razor blades in my car when I couldn’t handle life and needed to feel anything other than my mental pain. Everyday for two years, this was my life. Some days were better than others but it felt like the majority of the week was being taken by depression.
daily depression feels like
Wanting people around you to escape the prison in your head, but pushing people away so you don’t become a burden in their life.
Feeling alone because no one understands what you are going through, and you cannot find the words to explain it.
Your days blend together.
That life will always be this way and you cannot remember what happiness feels like and memories seem to fade.
When their are good moments you know deep down in your heart they will never last, and that fuels your depression and sadness.
You are exhausted physically and emotionally, yet you can barely gather the energy to get out of bed and get ready for work.
You want to be someone else just to make your loved ones lives easier.
And that you would rather die and feel nothing.
Mental health is an illness
You see I was not living but merely existing and walking through life like a zombie. The night terrors were real. There were a handful of times I woke up feeling like I couldn’t breathe or move, then opening my eyes and seeing a shadow sitting on my chest trying to silence my voice. Sleep was my escape from life and now my dreams became a place of terror. This is what gave me nighttime anxiety. I couldn’t sleep because I was scared of feeling paralyzed in my dreams and I already felt stuck in this miserable life.
I held on to hope
Depression is an ugly disease. I pray you NEVER have to deal with it and if you are dealing with it just know that life will not always feel like this but you have to take the steps to seek help and get better. Find the people in your life who will love on you and support you through your healing process. I held on to hope. I held on to what I wanted my future to look like. I have a husband who would literally get me out of bed and help me shower and put clothes on me so I could feel better about myself. I look at my life now and I am so glad I held on to hope. My depression is a part of me and my story, it is not the whole me and I do not let it define me.
You will get through this battle. You are loved. And you are enough.